The Gist of It: March 1st, 2013
The noose is tightening. Like that “Twilight Zone” with William Shatner, I see the goblin on the wing of my airplane, but my shrieks are scorned, my alarums mistaken for the ravings of a drunken lunatic. Well. For four weeks running I have warned you, loyal reader, of the abominable power Web 3.0 strongman Chris Hughes has acquired after winning The New Republic at Marty Peretz’s weekly cockfight. And now – not coincidentally – those chickens have come home to roost.
Facebook – the scheme from which Hughes extracted his obscene wealth – tried to censor my insights.
Oh, sure, their well-oiled PR machine spat back sundry defamations from their Palo Alto ivory tower call center – “what,” “I don’t understand you,” “you are slurring your words an awful lot” – but as far as I’m concerned, I can draw a solid, yellow line between Hughes/The New Republic and the rejection of my lucid, eloquent social criticism as too “vulgar” for social networkers. Facebook is a repulsive company, to be sure – COO Sheryl Sandberg is currently hard at work redefining “feminism” as “bilking pension funds during an initial public offering.” But as a fearless truth-teller, I must look past my own tribulations. Unfortunately, this is not a case of a few bad apples; the whole American barrel has rotted in winter’s cellar.
My amusing web-knifing came after a week of far more serious censorship, the kind that should be heartily enforced against bad people, cutting against the grain of America’s sturdy support beams. Just ask the fine minds at the Onion. These remorseless swine they call “comedy writers” or “satirists” set out to profane the Oscars – a sacred night. See, after a soirée of cross-gender bridge-building, amidst an atmosphere of women-friendly entertainment reportage, the Onion decided to call nine year-old nominee Quvenzhané Wallis a “cunt.”
Or something. Satire is one thing – but using the language of vicious gossip rags as the vehicle for satire of said vicious gossip is quite another. There was thankfully much opprobrium, from serious news aggregators who would never be caught trafficking in exploitative celebu-porn, and the Onion was forced into a humiliating climbdown. A victory for any right-minded American, as the Onion had brutally suborned young Quvenzhané into the flesh racket of the Hollywood starlet. It is still a good six years before such a move would be fathomable.
Buzzfeed, one of the chivalrous, substantive news sites that so vociferously condemned the Onion, likewise reported on another “truth-loving” rogue desperately in need of a correction. Palestinian farmer Emad Burnat was nominated this year for the Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature, for his wrenching documentary “Five Broken Cameras.” The film, named for the five cameras Burnat saw smashed, shot and burned by Israeli soldiers and settlers over the course of filming, documents the superhuman struggles of Palestinian villagers in the West Bank flashpoint of Bil’in. And naturally, as is America’s wont, we welcomed Mr. Burnat to LAX as we would any Palestinian: with suspicion, particularly that he could have really been nominated for an Oscar.
Thank God Buzzfeed could serve as a watchdog in such a disturbing case of racial profiling – by suggesting that Burnat had staged the incident as a “publicity stunt,” that he had exaggerated the length of his family’s detention, and that he had been unable to produce his tickets to the Oscars. As proof, Buzzfeed cited “sources” at the airport – a dainty fib, which they later corrected to clarify that one anonymous customs official had been the leak. Oh, and Burnat couldn’t have shown his Oscars tickets, because it was two days before nominees received them. Burnat was eventually released, and incomprehensibly stated, “although this was an unpleasant experience, this is a daily occurrence for Palestinians, every single day, throughout the West Bank.” Whatever, man. Let me know when you produce some quality Will Ferrell reaction gifs.
Yes, it seems like the right people are finally being silenced. The days grow longer as we enter March, less slush to wade through than the day before. The back-stabbers who’d sell us out to ecumenists and peaceniks are being eradicated, unable to breathe the air generously granted to them. I thank God each morning and each evening that literal James Bond villain and destroyer of worlds Bradley Manning is in the brig, and that prior to his destruction of the right for U.S. airmen to quietly incinerate journalists and good Samaritans, he was duly snubbed by both the Washington Post and New York Times. We are the first advanced society on Earth to choose the greatest truth: that we do not want the truth. What fools these mortals be!
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